Family Resources

Many of our patients here at UCLA are loved ones to children of all ages. Bringing children in to visit the hospital can be stressful and explaining that their loved one is dying/has died can feel overwhelming, but preparing children beforehand can help them cope better. We hope that you will find some of the information below helpful as you continue to support them.

• Guidance for Parents and Caregivers
• Tips for Preparing Children to Visit the Hospital
• Tips for Supporting Children During their Hospital Visit
• Tips for Supporting Children After a Hospital Visit
• Children’s Understanding of Death and Dying
• How to Approach and Explore Your Child’s Emotions

Guidance for Parents and Caregivers

• Providing simple and honest information is usually the best way to have conversations with children and teenagers. 
• It is okay to say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t have the answer right now, we can find out together.”
• Some children and teenagers will want to know more and some may want to know less, either is okay.
• Validate their feelings and normalize emotions. Let them know you’re available to talk about their thoughts and concerns.
• Experiencing the loss of a loved one can be painful. You can remember your loved one who passed away by eating their favorite foods, doing some of their favorite activities, and sharing memories and stories together.

Tips for Preparing Children to Visit the Hospital

• Talk with the bedside nurse to see if there are things that need to be considered, such as upcoming procedures or medication side effects, to figure out the best time and day to visit the child’s loved one. 
• Find out what the child already knows about their loved one in the hospital. 
• Give them simple and honest information. 
  • Example: “Grandma is really sick and she’s staying in a hospital so doctors and nurses can take care of her.”
• Ask to take pictures of your loved one and their hospital room. Showing children these pictures before they visit can prepare them for what they will see. 
• Encourage the child to bring comfort items (like their favorite stuffed animal, toy, tablet or activity) to help them feel calm if they start to feel overwhelmed or bored. 

Tips for Supporting Children During their Hospital Visit

• Have a safe and trusted adult with the child the entire time. 
• Observe the child’s reactions and body language. It is normal for children to be hesitant at first, but if they are crying, withdrawn, or looking away, they might be overwhelmed and need to step out.
• Some children will have questions about medical equipment and machines. Ask the bedside nurse or a child life specialist for simple and clear ways to explain it to them. 
• Give the child the choice to hug their loved one or hold their hand, knowing it’s okay if they don’t want to. Ask the bedside nurse for assistance in figuring out the best place to touch if needed. 
• Have a job for the child during the visit, such as reading to their loved one or drawing something for them. 

Tips for Supporting Children After a Hospital Visit

• Have an activity planned for after the visit, like going on a walk or playing on the playground, so the child can move the emotions through their body. 
• Spend some time talking with the child about how the visit went. This can give them the space to ask more questions or share how they are feeling.  

Children’s Understanding of Death and Dying

Depending on the child’s age level, they will have a different understanding of death and express their grief in different ways:

• Infants and toddlers
  • No understanding of death
  • Can sense the emotions of close adults
  • Common responses to stress include crying, irritability, separation anxiety, sleep disturbances
  • Support them through comforting presence and maintaining routines
• Preschoolers
  • Have magical thinking where they believe they might have caused the death
    • Example: “I was so mad at grandma and wanted her to die so it’s my fault she died.”
  • Don’t understand that death is permanent
    • Example: they will say that someone died but then ask when the person will come back
  • Can tell you if they are feeling sad or angry (basic emotions)
  • Common responses to stress include aggression, anger, withdrawal, not listening
  • Support them through sharing simple, brief, and honest information and emotional validation
• School-age children
  • Begins to understand that death is final and happens to everyone
  • May ask more questions about death and what happens after
  • Common responses to stress include changes in school, withdrawal from friends and interests, unusual behaviors
  • Support them through child-led conversations where they ask for more information after adults share basic and honest information
• Teens and adolescents
  • Understands that death is permanent
  • May have their own beliefs about death that are based on family beliefs
  • Common responses to stress include risky behaviors, changes in sleep and eating, withdrawal from friends and interests, changes in grades
  • Support them through maintaining friendships and routines, validating their feelings, being open to talk (or not talk)

How to Approach and Explore Your Child’s Emotions

1. Lead with curiosity and model your emotions
   1. Example: “Sometimes I don’t know what to do and I feel sad. I wonder if there is anything you feel sad about.”
2. Ask them: When you are feeling sad, worried, scared, or angry, what helps you feel better?
3. Ask them: What can we do more of together?

Grief is unique to each person and we move through it by experiencing it together.