Losing a wanted pregnancy is a tragic, but all too common, occurrence. However, no matter when a pregnancy loss occurs — even if it’s very early in the first trimester — the effects can be devastating.
“Miscarriage occurs in up to 15% of confirmed pregnancies,” says Misty Richards, MD, MS, medical director of perinatal psychiatry at the Maternal Outpatient Mental Health Services (MOMS) Clinic at UCLA Health. “It’s a traumatic experience both physically and emotionally.”
To truly support a loved one who has experienced pregnancy loss, you first need to understand what they are going through.
The physical toll of pregnancy loss on the body
From the moment a fertilized egg implants in the uterus to start growing, pregnancy causes constant changes to a person’s body. The longer you’re pregnant, the more significant those changes become. “Losing a pregnancy causes a very dramatic and sudden shift in hormone levels,” says Dr. Richards. “The later the miscarriage, the higher that hormonal cliff is to fall from, which can mean more intense symptoms.”
Recovery from the physical effects of a miscarriage can take several weeks. A person who miscarries may experience symptoms including:
- Cramping
- Disrupted menstrual cycle
- Fatigue
- Nausea
- Uterine contractions
- Vaginal bleeding
Experiencing the physical effects of a miscarriage can be an ongoing trauma. “If it takes a few weeks to stop bleeding; that’s a prolonged and potent reminder of the loss,” says Dr. Richards.
The emotional effects of miscarriage
People too often discount the real emotional impact of pregnancy loss — at any stage. You may think an early loss isn’t a big deal, but to many people it is. “It is an absolute loss of a potential child,” says Dr. Richards. “People rarely talk about it that way, but it’s important not to downplay that reality when trying to help someone through the experience.”
The rapid shift in hormones that occurs after a pregnancy loss contributes to the emotional upheaval people feel during this time. “The emotional and physical are very linked,” says Dr. Richards. “After losing a pregnancy, it’s not uncommon to experience symptoms of depression, extreme anxiety and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”
There is not only grief after a miscarriage, but often also self-blame. No matter how untrue it is, people often feel guilty and try to come up with reasons why the miscarriage was their fault. “They look for a reason why this happened and what they could have done to cause it,” says Dr. Richards. “It’s human nature to think that if you can find a cause to blame for the problem, you can prevent it from happening again.”
How to help someone experiencing grief after miscarriage
When someone you love is feeling physical and emotional pain, you want to do everything you can to help them feel better. But you may also feel uncomfortable or unsure of what you should do or say during this difficult time.
“People don’t know what to say, so they fill the space,” says Dr. Richards. “They’re trying to be supportive and comforting, but it’s easy to say the wrong thing and essentially rub salt in the wound.”
She has these suggestions for how to offer the kind of help and support your loved one actually needs:
- Be with them: Soon after a miscarriage, they may not want to talk or even listen to you. “So just be with them quietly while they work through their experience,” says Dr. Richards.
- Don’t say “you can try again soon”: This well-meaning phrase is one they may not be ready to hear. Instead, ask how they’re feeling and what they need in that moment.
- Help them find a support group: One of the healthiest ways to cope with pregnancy loss is to reach out to others going through a similar experience. A support group can provide a safe space to talk about it openly and have their feelings validated. Support groups can also be a place to simply listen and process information. If a group setting doesn’t offer enough support, encourage your loved one to see a mental health professional.
- Offer practical assistance: The physical and emotional toll of miscarriage can leave someone unable to cope with the practical aspects of daily life. Bring over meals, do some laundry, walk the dog or offer to babysit if they have other children.
- Reassure them it’s not their fault: They may need to hear this again and again.
- Remind them to be gentle with themselves: This is a physically and emotionally fragile time. Give them permission to take as long as they need to grieve and begin to move on.
Recovering from a pregnancy loss takes time and patience. If someone you love is coping with this grief, the best thing you can do is offer them emotional and physical support for as long as they need it.
