Whether you’re visiting a good friend who’s just had a baby or seeing an overwhelmed new mom in line at the grocery store, you want to say something that will make them feel better. In addition to oohing and aahing over the cute baby, you may feel compelled to give some advice to the new mother.
But before you share any words of wisdom, think about how it might come across. Even when your goal is to support a new parent, your words can sometimes have the opposite effect. Remember that no two new parents are the same. Tailor your comments to support what the new mom in your life really needs.
“Unsolicited advice is tricky,” says Misty Richards, MD, MS, director of perinatal psychiatry and the Maternal Outpatient Mental Health Services (MOMS) clinic at UCLA Health. “Take a minute to listen and meet the person in front of you where they are. Often they need support, not unsolicited advice.”
Here are five phrases new moms often hear — and why you probably shouldn’t say them.
1. “You’ll lose the weight eventually.”
After gaining 30, 40, 50 or more pounds during the nine months of pregnancy, most new moms are understandably anxious to shed the baby weight. But they are also busy, sleep-deprived and generally just trying to keep their heads above water. In other words, fitting into their pre-pregnancy jeans might not be at the top of the priority list.
By bringing up the topic of weight or appearance, you’re likely to make a new mom feel self-conscious. Saying they’ll lose weight eventually can feel like code for, “Wow, you’re still carrying a lot of extra pounds.”
“It’s not helpful to hear something about your appearance that you are already well aware of,” says Dr. Richards. “Having someone point it out can make you feel like it’s just another thing you aren’t capable of accomplishing right now.”
Instead of focusing on what new parents look like, praise them for how they’re doing. Rather than commenting on their weight, try something like: “I know this is hard, but you’ve got this.”
2. “Everyone feels overwhelmed.”
This is an undoubtedly true statement that every new parent can relate to. And for some, hearing it might be comforting. It could make them feel less alone.
The problem is that it can also minimize a new parent’s individual experience. This is especially true for the estimated 15% of women who suffer from postpartum depression. They are likely feeling more than simply “overwhelmed,” but don’t know how to express it or ask for help.
“This sort of sentiment can be dismissive of what the individual is going through,” says Dr. Richards. “You don’t want to compare them to other people because that may make them feel like they are inadequate compared to others.”
Rather than lumping their emotional challenges in with every other mom’s, ask specifically how they are feeling and managing. Acknowledge that you understand this is an overwhelming time for them. True postpartum support means listening without judgment and offering to help — or get them the help they need.
3. “Don’t give up on breastfeeding.”
Women get a lot of pressure to breastfeed their babies exclusively for several months. For some, breastfeeding comes easily and naturally. It can even be a relaxing way to bond with their baby.
But for many women, breastfeeding is anything but easy. For them, being told not to give up just adds to the frustration. “Breastfeeding is the number one stressor for new moms,” says Dr. Richards. “And telling them not to ‘give up’ can imply to a new mom that you think they’re not trying hard enough — which further increases their feelings of inadequacy.”
A woman who has tried to breastfeed and decided to switch to formula has likely tried everything she could. But if her baby is still not getting the nourishment it needs — or if breastfeeding isn’t working for the mom — it’s her decision how to feed her baby. Your only job is to support that choice.
4. “Just sleep when the baby sleeps.”
This is great advice to a new mother — in theory. And many a new parent has collapsed into sleep alongside their infant. But as any new parent knows, life with a baby is not only exhausting, it’s also very busy.
As tempting as it is to lie down the second the baby finally falls asleep, that’s not always an option. So unless you’re offering to go over to a new mom’s house to clean, wash dishes, put away laundry or make dinner, it’s best to skip this advice.
5. “Enjoy every minute.”
Mom guilt is real. And nothing is going to make a new parent feel more guilty than suggesting they don’t enjoy being with their child. “The implication is that there’s something wrong with you if maybe you’re actually hating every minute (or many of them) right now,” says Dr. Richards. “When in reality, that’s totally normal.”
Any parent knows that there are plenty of minutes — throughout your child’s life — that are simply not that enjoyable. Dirty diapers, temper tantrums, illness and other unpleasant moments don’t typically spark joy. And that’s OK.
So rather than telling new parents to do something unrealistic, allow them space to acknowledge that they’re not happy 100% of the time. Help them appreciate the minutes that are truly enjoyable. But don’t judge them for not enjoying the others.
New moms receive a lot of unsolicited advice. Before you add yours, make sure it’s something mom wants to hear.
